September 5, 2018
Three days after John McCain was buried, he has risen from the grave and returned to Congress.
Paul Ryan has declared him “the second coming of Jesus Christ.” Barack Obama and George W. Bush echoed this sentiment.
John Hagee, the televangelist, is leading the charge for Christians to accept John McCain as Jesus II, claiming that the Bible says Christ would return as a warrior.
“John McCain was certainly a warrior, fighting against the communists in Vietnam, fighting for Israel in Congress, fighting for democracy in Syria,” Hagee said on his show. “John McCain is the risen Christ, returned to save Israel from Russia before the next blood moon solar eclipse.”
John McCain himself has yet to speak. After climbing out of his grave, he removed all of his clothing and took an Uber to Washington. He wandered around the capital for several hours before entering a session of Senate and taking a seat.
It is normally not allowed for people to enter the Senate naked, but guards made an exception for McCain, calling him a war hero who overcame death.
Lindsey Graham gave a press conference with the naked zombie McCain, calling on America to install him as king, “for he is Christ returned, the risen king.”
Donald Trump has thus far refused to acknowledge that McCain has returned from the grave and is being worshiped by both Republicans and Democrats as the second coming of Christ.
The President did however tweet shortly after McCain entered Congress in the nude: “Congress used to have a dress code, now they’ve got rotting corpses walking around in their birthday suits. SAD!”
He also retweeted a tweet by @whitegenocideTM which contained the hashtag #NotMySavior.
It is believed that these tweets were a reference to the risen John McCain.
Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was asked by CNN’s Jim Acosta if Trump “accepts McCain as the risen Christ and his lord and savior?”
Sanders replied that she has not spoken to the President about this issue.
CNN’s Chris Cuomo said: “this guy is obviously the risen Christ, and I think it’s time for the president to acknowledge that and forego all claim to the throne.”
The twitter hashtag #NotMySavior is being retweeted by Trump-loyalists who refuse to accept John McCain as their lord and savior. Anonymous sources told the New York Times that the hashtag was being amplified by Vladimir Putin.
A New York Times editorial by Paul Krugman said that refusal to accept John McCain’s naked zombie corpse as the second coming of Christ was “blasphemous” and would be “disastrous for the economy.”
Rudy Giuliani spoke to the media while driving around in a golf cart somewhere in the Algerian desert.
“Listen, if this zombie is claiming he’s the risen Christ, that is something that is going to have to be decided in a court of law. I don’t think he’s the risen Christ, I think it’s a typical McCain move, coming back as a zombie to hound the President,” the former Mayor said.
Shortly after the press conference with Graham, John McCain died again. Glioblastoma, who has become a pop-culture icon after killing McCain the first time, claimed responsibility for taking down the zombie McCain, telling Fox News: “I’ll kill him a third time if I have to.”
Those who had declared the zombie McCain the second coming of Christ rushed to backtrack on their statements.
The McCain family announced that they will be holding a second series of funerals, which will last until sometime in the first quarter of next year, and will cost the taxpayer an estimated $70,000,000.
Meghan McCain, the daughter of John McCain who has struggled with obesity, issued a statement saying, “my father, Zombie John McCain, was a true hero, he fought for what he believed in, and when he showed up naked in Congress after having risen from the grave, no one was surprised. That is the strength of his maverick spirit in action.”
CNN, the New York Times and 687 other media outlets signed a statement condemning Trump for only lowering the flag to half mast for 15 minutes following the death of Zombie McCain.