May 9, 2019
Steven Seagal is showing off his new army to the world in the Red Square as we speak.
To those who don’t know, Steven Seagal moved to Russia and got his citizenship in 2016. He was named “Supreme General-Admiral Doctor Professor Commander of the Armed Forces (MD)” two years later.
This is his first year inspecting the troops since the Cossacks made him Grand Poobah.
He is the first openly overweight Jew to ever be initiated into the Cossack ranks – a historic accomplishment to be sure.
Steven Seagal began the day’s celebrations with the traditional address to the troops. This year he focused on explaining how he single-handedly defeated Hitler in 1945 with his judicious use of Aikido and Jewish mind-control techniques, which are similar to the ones that Steve Bannon teaches his Judeo Knights at the academy.
Afterward, he showed off his latest military hardware.
He promised to use his new weapons to crush any resistance to him and his regime.
After inspecting the army, he addressed the Russian people directly:
People of Russia, this is I, Steven Seagal, your leader.
I thank you for making me the commander of the army.
It has been a year of many firsts. Many new reforms were put into place since I took charge. Combat efficiency has been increased by 200% ever since the introduction of the combat Jew-Jitsu program. I have personally trained thousands of soldiers.
There will be no resistance to me and my new army.
All that is left to do is to surrender and die.
Objectively speaking, it was literally the best speech I’ve ever heard in my life.
I think that everyone in the world finally understands that Russia means business now and is about to go to town on the world. Ever since Seagal replaced Putin, Russia has become far more belligerent and far more based.
Giving the man citizenship and then the generalship of the army was the greatest decision the Russians ever made.
I like him way better than Shoigu – whose job Steven Seagal made obsolete.
Shoigu didn’t inspire fear in his enemies.
This is why NATO thought that they could stomp all over Russia.
Seagal, on the other hand, doesn’t mess around.
To Russia’s credit, I always knew that they’d be the first to make Steven Seagal their Supreme Leader.