May 5, 2019
The Russians are being very reasonable and adult here.
But things are getting tense.
Washington’s “irresponsible” plan to overthrow the Caracas government by force would result in a catastrophe, the Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov has warned, calling on the US to stick to the international law on Venezuela.
Lavrov denounced “an unprecedented campaign led by the US and aimed at toppling Venezuela’s legitimate government.” What Venezuela needs right now is political dialogue, not power grab attempts, the Russian minister said.
Lavrov is all about chill. He’s 100% chill, while Pompeo is 100% shill.
In general, Russia’s foreign policy everywhere is pretty consistent, and it consists of telling everybody to chill out. In an ideal world, I’d be totally down with the whole “everybody chill out” foreign policy of Russia, but we just don’t live in that kind of world. Sometimes, you gotta smack a clown down, even if you get kicked out of the club for it.
So far, though, it’s definitely winning Russia a lot of supporters around the world.
In fact, Russia is building the “Chill Coalition” with like-minded countries that just want America to mellow the fuck out and not be such an aggressive AMOG’ing asshole to everybody.
America in the center, flanked by a yenta on the left and ISIS on the right
Like, if world politics were a night out at a club, then the US is the guy walking around, table to table, trying to ruin everybody’s night out. Russia’s at the table in the back, making the moves on some juicy strumpet and America is just standing there, pulling his jeans down low to show off his Calvin Klein underwear while flexing his biceps. And he’s got his own earbuds plugged in, pumping his fist to his own song and just giving Russia the ‘roid glare.
Then, when Russia goes to the bar to order another drink, America starts prowling around and finds Venezuela, who is huffing whippits with his buddies. He smacks the balloon out of his hands and says, “fuck your shit, brah” and flashes his Calvin Klein underwear again to assert dominance.
Venezuela is confused and doesn’t know how to reply. He feels inferior to America because he doesn’t wear any underwear at all, let alone Calvin Klein.
So he turns to Russia for advice and help because Russia doesn’t judge people for not wearing trendy underwear (because Russia is chill), and says: “Wear whatever you want, bro. It’s not my place to judge. I still think you’re a cool guy and I’m down to hang out with you whenever. Besides, it’s hot down there and your balls need to breathe. Only cucks wear underwear when you really think about it.”
Reassured and relieved that Russia thinks he’s cool, Venezuela goes back up to America, who is distracted now, yelling at Iran who has his back turned to him, sitting on the barstool. America’s got his hand around Israel’s shoulders (both of them with their shirts off now), and he’s bellowing at Iran for the whole club to hear. “Don’t talk shit about my boy, Israel. We’ll fuck your shit up, homie.”
He exchanges a high-five with Israel and turns around to see Venezuela glowering at him. “Ey, fuck you, pendejo. You’re a gay ass puta and don’t touch my whippits anymore!”
Yep, is where the situation is right now.
Everyone at the club is getting tired of America’s aggressive and homo-erotic behavior, and just wants to get back to doing whippits and picking up strumpets, and they’re hoping that America just passes out after chugging all that Bud Lite and that the problem resolves itself.
But Israel keeps taking America to the bathroom to do lines of cocaine, and America is getting more and more wired up as the night continues.
Every time that America comes out of the bathroom, the tension escalates.
Russia’s already broken a beer bottle and is holding the bottle shards behind his back while keeping a strained smile on his face. Venezuela is sharpening his machete and Iran is about to pick up the bar stool next to him.
It all depends on what America does next.