July 7, 2019
I was born in 1984, so I only got to spend six years in the 1980s. But that was six glorious years.
I just want to take a minute to tell younger people what I remember of the 1980s, and how great they were.
In the 1980s, you didn’t have all of these electronic gizmos. The most you had was walkie-talkies. And if you were really in luck, your friend might come back from science camp with a tower for a ham radio. But mostly, you spent time with your friends, listening to music, going to the arcade, and making out with your girlfriend.
And girlfriends were great back in the 1980s. You see, before all these electronics, girls only had the options of the boys around them. So if you were slick, you could totally score girls completely out of what you call “your league” in the world electronic gizmos. And you could spend all day making out with her, just laughing and listening to Corey Heart and Journey – as long as her dad didn’t catch you!
If you worked as a lifeguard, you were on top of the world. Because everyone was at the pool – it was the number one hangout spot. And if you had that sweet, sweet lifeguard job, all you needed was to be in pretty trim shape, have good hair and a pair of Aviator sunglasses, and you could score any hot lonely older woman you wanted. All you had to do was give her a few compliments, and she’d be ready to meet you at the Motel 6.
In the 1980s, the police weren’t all a bunch of sick thugs. Maybe they could be harsh with you, but they were really just good-hearted folks. You might butt heads with them every once in a while, but they really just wanted what was best for the community. They weren’t going to ruin kids’ lives for acting like kids.
The movies were great, too. And if you had an older friend who worked at the ice cream shop at the mall, you could get him to help you sneak into the movie theater to catch the latest George Romero flick.
The economy wasn’t nearly as bad as it was now. Everyone had jobs. And a single mom could work at a general store, and be able to afford a nice house for her two kids.
If you were good at something like photography, you didn’t need a bunch of documents on a résumé to get hired. If you had the skills, the local paper would give you a job. And if they liked you, they might even hire your girlfriend. They might not take her too seriously because she’s a girl, but what serious person would take a girl seriously?
Nobody was fat in the 1980s. The fashion was all great. The music was fantastic. The furniture was great. The lamps were great. No fluorescent bulbs.
The only real threat was the Soviet Union. And maybe some annoying black kids at the mall. But otherwise, it was smooth sailing, all day, every day.
All in all, the 1980s in the Midwest were the greatest time and place for a person to be alive.