Lauritz Von Guildhausen
July 12, 2017
Behold Jared (@JYSexton).
Jared is an assistant professor of creative writing, and in his spare time he also fancies himself somewhat of a journalist. There’s just one problem: Jared isn’t very creative, nor is he much of a writer, and his journalistic acumen? Well. The less said about that the better.
Oh no its retarded.jpg
In any other time in history, Jared would have been a pretty unemployable guy. Fortunately for him, the victory of a certain orange-hued man has unshackled approximately half of America from their already flimsy attachment to reality, ushering in an unprecedented market demand for “creative writers.” And how they have delivered!
With an inherent readership of some 60 million people ready to believe anything, we’ve seen plots hitting the mainstream which would have been too much even for Hollywood:
- Trump pays to watch prostitutes pee on a Hotel Bed
- Manafort was secretly a Russian agent
- Comey was investigating Trump
- Sessions is in cahoots with the Russkis
Truly, it is enough to make L. Ron Hubbard blush! But alas, poor Jared wasn’t creative enough to join his peers, even though the criteria for plausibility and motivation are completely nonextant. He has spent hours, days, weeks and months trying to come up with something, anything, to get him back in print, and meanwhile even people like Joe Bernstein (who will never write for the New York Times) have managed to get their stories out there.
Jared: Spare-time sleuth, and man without hope
After (presumably) countless late nights spent staring at his monitor trying to will words to appear on his screen, procrastinating, drinking, and plausibly contemplating a change of career, things seemed rather glum for Jared, until he finally caught something. It started small, much too faint to be called a hope, it was more of a glimmer or perhaps a whisper of a possibility, but as our intrepid scribbler threw all his spare time at it, a solid narrative started to coalesce.
He worked every angle, followed every lead, labored over the story and then out of nowhere:
Donald Trump Jr. story-cucks him by just tweeting it out there. He just tweeted it. What an absolute madman.
Oh hey I know you worked really hard on your little story and all but the public needed to be informed. Problem Jared?
The ensuing meltdown is pretty hilarious.
In all seriousness, I’m not in the habit of caring even remotely what these incompetent charlatans think beyond their limited use as comedic relief. However, seeing the media giddy over such a nothing-burger is just fun. It’s like watching a dog enthusiastically chasing its own tail, or a bee headbutting a window. They’re so happy to finally enter the oasis of what they think is a something-burger that all the latent energy of these feeble spastics has been released all at once, and to date, this is all they have managed to come up with:
Donald Trump’s son spoke with the publicist of the son of a real estate developer with ties to Putin.
Seriously. That’s the best they could do.
Hell, even I’m closer to Russian despots than that. I once spoke to the daughter of a general who served under Stalin. By their logic I must be part of a worldwide communist conspiracy to take over the world.
And maybe I am!
Enjoy it while you can folks, we won’t see another faceplant like this for a while.
…or will we?